In the beginning....

In the beginning... I knew I was imperfect. We all are. We are all humans after all. What I didn't realise at the time was that I had a subconscious belief that I should be perfect, and therefore because I was not perfect, I was not good enough. It held me back. It seems it was the root cause of most of my worries, fears, anxieties. Call it what you will. It is still what holds me back sometimes. It is what has held me back from even writing this blog. What if it is not good enough? 

In the beginning of this story, there was light. A long awaited child, perfectly formed, perfectly free of any hang ups and fears, with literally the whole of an unspoilt life in front of her. Then there was darkness. Abject fear. What if I, as her mother, was not good enough? 

The first time I sat at the wheel of the car, on my own, with my beautiful daughter safely strapped into her top of the range, properly fitted car seat behind me, I was totally overwhelmed with the enormity of the responsibility of this new life. I have never been so afraid. For a few minutes I was frozen to the spot. Completely afraid of making a mistake. Of not being perfect. I could live with making my own mistakes, but making mistakes which might mean her life was less than perfect....

Fortunately most of the time my rational head could shake off these ridiculous thoughts, and we made our first car journey without a single problem. 

As the weeks and months went by, I became increasingly aware of an irrational self. Looking back I was probably bordering on depression. 

I felt constantly criticised when I was offered unsolicited parenting advice, and the way I felt about it seemed irrational even to me. Acknowledgement of this irrationality and the fear of passing that on to my precious daughter, started me on my journey.  

A journey I hope to share with you, when time and space allow. 

With love, Annabel 💚